Umm Why?
by Thesunbehindtheeclipsedmoon
Summary: This is my entry to the whole "Kill a Cullen" Contest. THIS IS A CRACKFIC, NOT A FANFIC! No lemons, sorry...but lots of bad language. Read to find out what it's about. You'll laugh your ass off. Rated M. That is all. I'll fix this later


**Title: Umm… Why?**

**Penname(s): Thesunbehindtheeclipsedmoon**

**Rating: M**

**Disclaimer: Edward may sound like an ass, but this is what happens when your 2 friends decided "oh why don't we host a contest to kill a Cullen." This is my entry, and in which I will post on here, before they even see it. ENJOY**

**Summary: Just read the story, you'll figure it out. **

**Submitted for the 'To Kill a Cullen' Contest**

**Please check out the other entries here:**

**http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/community/To_Kill_a_Cullen_Contest_Community/76759/**

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**AN: THIS IS A CRACKFIC. SERIOUSLY, NO LIE. I HATED THIS CONTEST SINCE THE BEGINNING, AND THEY KNEW THIS. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HATE A CONTEST, BUT DECIDED TO BE A SMARTASS AND ENTER IT ANYWAYS**. **This CRACKFIC does have other fanfic "mentions", as you can say. I did not plagiarize, since half the fanfiction; I'm starting to read is like I'm reading the same shit over and over again. Other than that… EN-FUCKING-JOY.**

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"Edward, I have to kill you" Bella said pacing back and forth with a pair of scissors in her hand.

"But why Bella, I thought you loved me" I panicked, _because seriously who would ever want to harm my body. I mean come on; I make girls cream their jeans by just looking at them. God knows what they do I run my hand through my gorgeous, bronze hair. Jeeze, you'd think I fuck a lot for getting this "oh yeah, I'm Edward Cullen, and I hit that last night" hair. In reality, I did fuck a lot, and I mean alot. Trust me, I can read freaking peoples minds, and don't deny I knew you thought about fucking me over a Dodge neon, or a desk, making me talk dirty to you, or making me speak a foreign language, or maybe tying my ass up, and having you way with me. Oh yeah, baby,_ _I know you thought about it. Anyways, back to Bella sighing, sorry girls, she is my wife. _

"Edward, I do, but I have to kill you it's a rule" sighed Bella

"Well, make it fast. Don't know why you have to kill me" I sighed. _God just get this shit over with. _

"Neither do I Edward, I don't want to kill you, or any of the other Cullens, but I have too, do you understand. It kills me too that I have to do this, and you know that I'd rather kill the ones that are making me have to kill you, so please baby bare with me on this. Trust me!"

"Why would anyone want to kill us?" _Seriously, I don't know why. I thought I was hot, I mean IM SO MUCH HOTTER THEN JACOB BLACK. Don't deny that you're not on my team, because baby remember, I can read your thoughts._

"EDWARD, are you even listening to me? I have to kill you, so get over here, so I can stab you." Cried my beautiful wife *_gag*_

"Coming" I said. _God damn it, I'm going to miss my show. I have to miss Jersey shore so my wife could kill me, seriously, doesn't this bitch know that you Gotta start the fist pump low, then work it up higher, and higher. You know it._

As I approached my wife, I asked where she wanted me, and she pointed to the spot where she put a bunch of newspaper down_. I guess she didn't want to make a mess. What does she think it's going to be, unless she's killing me the __Adrian ____Monk way? Ha, that thought made me giggle, no seriously, it made me giggle. __I looked at my beautiful wife *once again gag*, as she stood in front of me. _

"Now Edward, this is gonna hurt" _No shit, I thought it would be as easy as peeling off a band aid_. "Please Edward; don't make this anymore harder on me. Now, I'm going to count to 3, and then Im going to do it, ok"

"Ok" I replied back.

"Ok"

"ONE"

"TWO"

_Oh, god here is comes_

"THREE"

_Snip, Snip_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, MY LIFE IS OFFICIALLY OVER. BELLA IS CUTTING OFF ALL MY LUSHIOUS HAIR. I'M OFFICIALLY DEAD. NO GIRL IS GOING TO WANT ME NOW!! _

6 months later (ooh, who's POV)

As I stand in front of the casket, I remember back why this all happened. If Bella never cut all my hair off, she wouldn't have had to fuck her self to death with the Jack Rabbit viberator that is happened to have the name "Mr. Hop hop", all because I refused to fuck her. I told her I'll fuck her again, once she can pull my fucking hair properly, and I know my hair…it goes slowly…6 months later slowly. As people started gathering to leave, I looked up and saw that the clouds were coming in, and thought "oh shit, she's gonna ruin the hair", and I took off running to my awesome stupid, fucking shiny Volvo.

**FIN**

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**YAY!! I wrote a crackfic, big deal right. Anyways, I want to say this. If you thought I was being a bitch, snob, stuck up, whatever else you'd want to call me, I must insist, I was being a complete smartass. Honestly, I would never ever write a fanfic like this EVER. I only did it to be a smartass to my dear friends, who thought of this contest. Review if you'd like…and no, I'm not making this into a multi-fic story. **


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